Do you remember
all the nasty little things your “friends” did to you on April 1, April Fool’s
Day? Do you remember what you did to your “friends” on this one day of the year
when one can almost get away with being an SOB? Now that we’re up to date and
understand the true meaning of today’s blog, I’ll tell you about the best one I
ever pulled on anyone.
It was in the
early years of this century, I was editor of Nevada’s premier on-line news
magazine, The Nevada Observer, and in
the tradition of Mark Twain, from time to time we would publish outlandish
tales. Mine were under the signature of one Washoe Willie, a degenerate of
established debauchery, and he wrote this:
Bold New Plan To Bring
Sunlight To Beleaguered Virginia City
World Famous Engineer At The
Heart Of Long Needed Plan
by
Washoe Willie
Papers
filed in Washington, D.C. and Carson City recently outline a bold plan that was
first discussed over 100-years ago, to bring late afternoon sunshine to
Virginia City. An environmental impact study is underway at this time and an
engineering team led by Johann Schultz of Berlin is being put together. Schultz
said, "I first read of the problem Virginia City has with late afternoon
sunshine while visiting friends in San Francisco." He went on to say,
"There are two small towns perched on mountainsides in the Black Forest
that have also come to me for help."
Virginia
City sits on the eastern flanks of Mt. Davidson, locally known euphemistically
as Sun Mountain, and during the winter months the sun goes behind the mountain
top as early as 2:00 p.m. Sitting above 6,000 feet altitude, it is already
cold, and a lack of sunshine for extended hours makes life on the Comstock very
difficult for many. The town survives today, not on mining but on tourism and
when it gets dark, tourists go home. Even if it is early in the afternoon.
Representatives
from Virginia City's very active Comstock Merchant's Association contacted
Schultz two-years ago, he says, "and brought me a delightful suggestion.
Build a tunnel through the mountain, use mechanically torqued mirrors to
correct for natural deviation of the sun's focus, and flood the Comstock with
sunshine until late in the day." Schultz is known throughout Europe as one
of the most sought after tunnel masters. Railroads throughout the Alps and
other mountain ranges travel through Schultz built tunnels daily.
Plans
that have been circulated in Nevada's capital city show a tunnel angled
downward from west to east, with mirrors at the western edge to catch the sun's
rays, and mirrors at the eastern opening to direct the sunshine across the cold
and snowy side of the mountain. The engineering graphics that were not
available for publication as we went to press even go so far as to show
brilliant flowers blooming despite snow on the ground.
"The
first thing I had to do," he told The Nevada Observer, "was to go to
the tops of Slide Mountain and Mt. Rose along the Carson Range of the Sierra
Nevada and plot the angle I would need in order for the most sunshine to be
directed through a tunnel and come out above the town." Schultz said he
has been working for more than nine-months on plotting those angles. "I
think we will be able to start our drilling sometime in the spring if we can
get all the necessary permits and licenses." So far there has been little
publicized opposition to the plan. "Think of it, being able to walk along
C Street at 4:00 O'clock on a January afternoon and have the town bathed in
sunlight. What a boon it will be to those wonderful people that have lived in 15-hours
or more of darkness every winter for more than 100-years."
Financing
for the project has been coming primarily from individuals and businesses but
Schultz says he expects federal financing to pay for most of the work. State
financing from the tourist agency is also going to be coming if plans can be
made to go before the Interim Finance Committee before the next legislative
session. According to Storey County Commissioner Brad Hemmings, "Almost
all the legislative representatives from western and northern Nevada have
voiced approval of the project, in particular our own representatives from here
on the Comstock."
Schultz
isn't the least bit reticent about discussing the costs of a project this size.
"I believe we can expect the final figure to be somewhere in the
neighborhood of about $650 million. It's similar in cost to building a highway,
which of course we will be doing, but underground." More than $500 million
is expected from the federal government, another $100 million will come from
the state, and Hemmings believes a quarter cent increase in the Storey County
sales tax will provide the remaining $50 million.
Hemmings
said he doesn't plan on asking the voters for their opinion on the project.
"You know how people are sometimes. They just vote no because they don't
want to take the time to investigate whether the project is good for them, is
feasible, or is even needed. No, we'll just pass a resolution in Commission
Meeting, and proceed with the project." There has been little discussion
of the project in meetings held on the Comstock. One group, the Retired Hard
Rock Miners of Nevada has come out in favor of the project, and several members
have already offered their services. Schultz says he doesn't think he will need
any of the retired miners. "After all," he said, "this is
Nevada. I'm sure I won't have much difficulty finding underground
workers."
Several
engineers working in the State Environmental agency have come forward saying
this is absolutely a terrible plan. John Traviolta-Jones, a graduate of the
Mackay School of Mines says such a plan was brought forward in the late 1800s
and mining engineers then said it couldn't work. "This idea of aiming the
sunlight by way of mirrors is horrible. Do you know what a mirror does to sunlight?
They will fry anyone caught in the rays." He said he remembered roasting
ants that way when he was a child. Another engineer who wishes to remain
anonymous, "I'm too high up in the agency to let you use my name," he
said, told me about a project in southern Nevada that will be using mirrors to
super heat a liquid in order to create steam for the development of
electricity.
"They
will be using a liquid, not water, in troughs, and directing sunlight onto the
liquid using mirrors. That liquid will become super hot, and by piping it
through tanks of water will create steam to power generators for
electricity." He laughed at Schultz's idea of mirrors to direct sunlight
through Mt. Davidson. "It'll be Sun Mountain all right. Hotter'n hell, and
damn dangerous. If I have any say in this matter, the project will not
happen."
Schultz
will be flying to Washington on April 10 and is expected to testify before a
congressional environmental committee looking into the project. "These
people are already in favor of the project," he said, "and are
pushing hard to step up the timetable for permits and licenses. I hope to come
back with guarantees of money and permits." He doesn't believe there is
any danger at all from super heated air coming through the tunnel. "Of
course not. Just nice bright sunshine for all my new friends on the
Comstock."
During
discussions before a local citizen's committee on March 17 Schultz was asked
about the possibility of having to drive his tunnel through existing mining
claims. "I think we have most of that worked out. The owners of some of
the original claims have said they want a piece of the action, well of course
they do, but there isn't any action to get a piece of." He explained that
the project is a public project paid for entirely by government funds, federal,
state, and local. "I think that if we should happen to strike a major
silver lode on an existing claim, there might be some adjudication that might
have to take place."
Ben
Villamaria, owner of one of those original Comstock claims said, "You
better believe there would be some adjudication. You better just plan on that,
Mr. Schultz."
According
to a person answering the telephone in the newly opened Comstock Tunnel and
Sunlight Project in Virginia City who would not give her name, "Heavy
equipment is being purchased at this time and we anticipate advertising for
engineers, miners, and laborers in the next few weeks." When she was
informed that environmental permits and state and federal licenses have not
been procured, she said, "Mr. Schultz plans to start work when the snow is
off Peavine Mountain."
###
It
was on April fifth, following publication of the Washoe Willie piece that I
received a phone call from an Associated Press (AP) reporter who said she had
tried to follow up on the article and wasn’t able to corroborate any of the
information. I sat back in my chair with a full-blown Cheshire Cat grin and
said to the young lady, “Did you check the date of the publication?”
There
was about ten seconds of silence and she burst out in giggles and gasps,
finally saying, please don’t tell anyone. I promised I would certainly tell the
story but never reveal her name.
Sometimes
the day is called All Fools’ Day, some believe it might be related to Romans
and Hindus, and the vernal equinox, and changing calendars, and none of that
matters a wit. What matters is how much fun we can have without actually hurting
someone. Making someone red in the face, or slightly humiliated is not actually
hurting them. Creating that redness, that humiliation more than once in a
year’s time would be classified as bullying, and I’m not a bully. Are you?
Of
course you aren’t. Looking for left handed monkey wrenches, pipe extenders,
putting funny notes on someone’s backside, are for children. Adults play differently.
In fact, in 1998, the Financial Times
of London was red in the face for a long time. Here’s the story.
An article in
the Financial Times detailed an agreement that had been struck between
the Old Royal Observatory in Greenwich, England and the Guinness brewery,
wherein Guinness would be declared the official beer sponsor of the
Observatory's millennium celebration. Greenwich Mean Time would be renamed
Guinness Mean Time, and instead of counting seconds in "pips," as was
traditional, the Observatory would count them in "pint drips." The Financial
Times lamented that the deal marked a new low in corporate marketing and
set a "brash tone for the millennium." But what the Financial
Times didn't realize was that it had fallen for a joke. The Guinness press
release, from which it had taken the information, had been marked for April 1
release. The Financial Times subsequently published a curt retraction,
clarifying that Guinness Mean Time had been "apparently intended as part
of an April 1 spoof."
###
Have
as much fun as you can possibly have on April First. I plan to. Until next
time, read good books and stay regular. Will
you join me on facebook from time to time?
Or Tweet with
me, darlin’?
